Monday, March 8, 2010

peeling off the layers

I've started seeing a counselor again, not for PPD or past trauma, but for weight loss. I thought maybe he could help me figure out why eating healthy is such a struggle for me right now. I can eat healthy all day, within the 1200 calorie range and then right before bed I blow it. It's like I can't control myself and the whole day is wasted. I feel like an addict. I feel weak. I feel like I'm going to be over weight forever.

I'm scared I'm going to wake up one day and I'll be 300lbs. If this cycle doesn't stop then that's exactly what's going to happen. I was 140lbs in high school. This was my healthy weight. I had a lot of muscle and was working out two hours everyday after school. I maintained this weight until I quit soccer. I gained 30lbs, then lost 30lbs. I kept the weight off for two years until I got married, then four months later I was pregnant and the rest is history.

I started seeing my counselor last Monday. He's someone new. My old counselor, Dan, who I saw last year for PPD does not handle eating disorders, and my insurance recommended this new counselor. I hate going to someone new. I trusted Dan, he knew my life story, haha... and it's a long one at that.

At my first session, Roy (my new counselor, that's his name) asked why I was there and I explained my situation. He then he asked if I had ever been through anything traumatic in my life. I laughed. He didn't. I tried to fill him in the best I could. I was surprised how calm and open I was this time around. I feel truly at peace with everything. We both agreed this wasn't anything we needed to probably speak about anymore, that I am okay with it now, it's been dealt with and I can put it to rest. It was a relief.

He said my treatment can go one of two ways- 1) he'll set me up with a meal plan. Which I then explained, a meal plan is not what I need, control is. I know what to eat, when to eat and how much to eat. I probably know better than most people what is in something when it comes to calories & nutrition.

He then said, or hypnotherapy... that he actually hypnotizes patients to gain control when it comes to weight loss and even smoking. I was surprised he mentioned this, I didn't see it on his list of things he specializes in. I was excited! I said I would be open to anything really. We agreed to start there. He said it takes a few weeks before the first session of hypnotherapy, that first we'll discuss how I'm feeling before I binge, what my triggers are... etc.

I hope this works, I don't expect it to be magic... but I'm hoping it will help me gain control a little more. To be able to deal with my emotions before I eat them.

I hate talking about this whole topic. I really hate opening up about it. I'm more upset about this than anything in my past, I guess because I did this to myself. I hurt myself. I have no one to blame but me. And it's dumb really. I told my counselor if I was skinny like I use to be that I feel like my life would be perfect. It sounded so dumb when it came out of my mouth.

I think this is where my face turned red.

Roy then took the attention off me and told me how he use to work at the prison across from Joel as a counselor with the inmates, and it made me feel better.

I said, "So you've heard it all?"

He smiled and said, "They're all innocent."

We both laughed, and I knew the last thing I had to worry about was him judging me.


  1. good luck! I'm interested to hear about your journey if you're willing to share. I need some inspiration and motivation.

  2. Thanks. I will be sharing throughout my journey, I think this will be a great outlet for me to sort through the emotional side of shedding the pounds and how the hypnotherapy plays into all of it :)

  3. I am so happy for you! We'll all be there to support you throughout your journey. I am struggling with weight too since my DD was born 9/08.

  4. Hello-first time here. I found your blog while at "Watch My Butt Shrink" which is now (yea!) "Watch My Bump Grow." I'm so happy for Jen (& jealous).

    I was reading your post (your son is adorable) and after reading this one I had to write. I hope you don't mind, I'd like to encourage you to stop by

    This woman's book changed my life. The book (Naturally Thin by Eating More) is not a diet book.

    I really hope I'm not imposing, but I had to share that with you. She (the author) has free chapters, so you don't have to order anything. I'm not affiliated with the author or the book in any way. My heart just went out to you when I read what I read.

    Good luck!

  5. Lucky, not imposing at all. Thank you for the recommendation, I'll have to check it out! :)


"Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime." -Dale Carnegie

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