I'm scared I'm going to wake up one day and I'll be 300lbs. If this cycle doesn't stop then that's exactly what's going to happen. I was 140lbs in high school. This was my healthy weight. I had a lot of muscle and was working out two hours everyday after school. I maintained this weight until I quit soccer. I gained 30lbs, then lost 30lbs. I kept the weight off for two years until I got married, then four months later I was pregnant and the rest is history.
I started seeing my counselor last Monday. He's someone new. My old counselor, Dan, who I saw last year for PPD does not handle eating disorders, and my insurance recommended this new counselor. I hate going to someone new. I trusted Dan, he knew my life story, haha... and it's a long one at that.
At my first session, Roy (my new counselor, that's his name) asked why I was there and I explained my situation. He then he asked if I had ever been through anything traumatic in my life. I laughed. He didn't. I tried to fill him in the best I could. I was surprised how calm and open I was this time around. I feel truly at peace with everything. We both agreed this wasn't anything we needed to probably speak about anymore, that I am okay with it now, it's been dealt with and I can put it to rest. It was a relief.
He said my treatment can go one of two ways- 1) he'll set me up with a meal plan. Which I then explained, a meal plan is not what I need, control is. I know what to eat, when to eat and how much to eat. I probably know better than most people what is in something when it comes to calories & nutrition.
He then said, or hypnotherapy... that he actually hypnotizes patients to gain control when it comes to weight loss and even smoking. I was surprised he mentioned this, I didn't see it on his list of things he specializes in. I was excited! I said I would be open to anything really. We agreed to start there. He said it takes a few weeks before the first session of hypnotherapy, that first we'll discuss how I'm feeling before I binge, what my triggers are... etc.
I hope this works, I don't expect it to be magic... but I'm hoping it will help me gain control a little more. To be able to deal with my emotions before I eat them.
I hate talking about this whole topic. I really hate opening up about it. I'm more upset about this than anything in my past, I guess because I did this to myself. I hurt myself. I have no one to blame but me. And it's dumb really. I told my counselor if I was skinny like I use to be that I feel like my life would be perfect. It sounded so dumb when it came out of my mouth.
I think this is where my face turned red.
Roy then took the attention off me and told me how he use to work at the prison across from Joel as a counselor with the inmates, and it made me feel better.
I said, "So you've heard it all?"
He smiled and said, "They're all innocent."
We both laughed, and I knew the last thing I had to worry about was him judging me.