Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Down 5lbs!

Slowly, but surely I'm losing the weight. I'm officially down 5lbs total. I'm so excited!

And for those who think 5lbs isn't much... this is what 5lbs of human fat looks like. No joke.

And I've even indulged a little here and there, but by limiting my portions. I'm not depriving myself of the things I've always loved, but they're reserved for special occasions. And I try to stay away from artificial sweeteners, because drinking diet pop, eating those 100 calorie packs, is going to make me still crave those things. I'm honestly getting over those cravings, and I'm cravings healthy things like dried fruit, and carrots & dips, etc.

Here's to a great start! I'm halfway to my first goal!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Forgiveness


"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."
-Gandhi

My mother asked me to read "Redeeming Love", and lent me her book. It's a novel and with a religious message about forgiveness. And for the record, I believe in all paths to God and did enjoy this book. I'm not finished with it yet, but I feel like I already know the story. It's the story of our life. Not literally, but the forgiveness factor... to have the life we all do now, required lots of courage and strength and lots and lots of forgiveness. (BTW, did you know in the bibles it says to forgive someone 7x77 times? Yeah my mouth dropped too when I read it.) It's a story of forgiveness we should all strive for.

One of the greatest gifts my mother gave me and my siblings was the ability to forgive. She drilled the values of forgiveness into our brains! I think that's the reason I am so close with my siblings. I am the youngest of four. And we all get along. And by get along, I mean we always forgive each other for the stupid things we say and do no matter what. And if by some chance one of us happened to even try to hold a grudge, my mother would be there, telling us life is too short to waste it on anger.

It's sad to see so many people in life holding onto a grudge, to see the petty things they justify in their minds as unforgivable. Forgiving doesn't mean you continue to let someone toxic hurt you over and over, it just means you've let go of the anger and released yourself. And for those who have been viciously and purposely hurt by someone, it's true- forgiveness is only for the strong. This is where the quote holds true.

“Forgiveness is the economy of the heart... forgiveness saves the expense of anger, the cost of hatred, the waste of spirits.”
- Hanna Moore

I can think of a few people who have recently hurt me that I have yet to forgive, who I thought didn't matter much to me, but I am still angry at the way they treated me. I will never understand why, but I know that I need to forgive them, to release me from this petty anger and time wasted thinking why?

Take a look at your life. Is there someone you need to forgive? Do you need to forgive yourself? Don't waste another second on anger...

Photo by dana_nana

Monday, March 15, 2010

weight loss hypnotherapy session #3

I saw my counselor, Roy tonight. And I told him everything that's changed in the last week. I HAVE lost 2 1/2 pounds in one week. I weighted myself again today, and ta-da I was back down :)

I also gave in and told him about this blog. I feel like this blog has been a major outlet and also allowed me to gain support from others going through the same thing, and also seeing their story and their struggles.

He said it was awesome that I'm doing this! (By the way, I underestimated Roy, he knew what a blog was without any explanation. lol ) He said support from others who are going through the same thing is VERY important. He was really proud of me. He also encouraged me to find people in my life who have went through the same thing that I can lean on. I have a close cousin who has lost a lot of weight and I know she's very sensitive and knows the struggles and hardships that come with weight loss. I think I might give her a call. I've been meaning to hang out with her anyways, she's like another sister and I really miss her.

We later talked a little about eating slower so my mind & stomach match when I'm full, and drinking water before meals to fill me up. All things I know, and try to do, but I'm not very successful at. He also talked about portion control and trying to eat half of what I normally eat, which I've already started doing this past week.

These are all the things he focused on when we did the hypnotherapy session. He also repeated what he said last week about seeing that image of me happy at 140lbs, my healthy weight and also told me think of other times in my life that I was happy and healthy. I thought of myself when I was around 16 and wearing a 2-piece. That was the last bikini I ever wore. Red and black striped and it was adorable. I wish I had a photo! He also told me to picture myself in a week, in a month, in six months and in a year. He said these images should come to mind when I feel the urge to binge. And then he counted back from 5 to 1 and I woke up. I felt so exhausted when I woke up, I think this time change is kicking my butt. I kept rubbing my eyes like I just woke up from a long nap.

After the session, I told him I've been having dreams that I'm skinny and lost a lot of weight. (I forgot until he mentioned to picture myself at my best.) I look down I feel great about myself and I feel comfortable and I'm healthy! He said that's good, because it's my subconscious doing it's job :)


Sunday, March 14, 2010

I know I shouldn't get discouraged.

But the scale does make me a little frustrated.

I've been eating healthy all week, since I last saw Roy... and I lost 2.6 lbs, but for the last two days the scale is saying otherwise (only 1lb). I know I could possibly be gaining muscle since I just started working out... but in the back of my mind I thought the pounds would just melt off.

I'm not on a "diet" though, I'm eating how I want to eat for the rest of my life. I'm making healthy choices and limiting my portions.

I saw on Celebrity Fit Club a few of them have the same problem, and one of the counselors on the show said when you do it the right way (making it a lifestyle change) it will be much slower. I hope what she said is true. I really want this.

I do feel more confident. I feel like I CAN do this, and I am the one in control now. I'm really proud of myself for taking this step for me and for my family.

And speaking of family, since I have started cooking healthy (whole grains, more fruits & veggies & basically only cooking chicken or turkey) Joel has lost A LOT of weight without even trying, around 30lbs. I guess you could say I'm a little jealous, haha.

Tomorrow is my second hypnotherapy session with Roy. Can't wait to tell him the progress I've made :)

Friday, March 12, 2010

I freaked out this morning

I totally freaked out this morning. I took Jack for a walk and then put the stroller back in the garage, after I closed it and turned around, Jack was gone! I ran around the building screaming his name, about to call 911... when I heard a small whimper from the garage, he must have ran in as I was closing it! I never want to feel that way again. I gave him the typical, "Don't you ever do that to mommy again!" speech. It was really scary.


And yesterday, my little man was sick. He was extra grumpy in the morning and so I put him down really early for his morning nap. When he woke up he just wanted to snuggle. I rocked for him for about 10 minutes before deciding to take him into our room to our big bed. We laid down to snuggle, when Jack sat straight up and got sick all over the bed. After I gave him a quick bath, and cleaned the sheets, we spent a lot of time cuddling, forehead kissing, and hair stroking. My poor little boogie. A few hours later he was running wild again though and he didn't get sick the rest of the day. I was thankful.

And this morning... before the freak out, I saw I lost another 1.6lbs! That's 2.6 in four days :D woo woo!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

1lb down

That's right, I lost 1lb. Not a lot, but it's something. I decided to start rewarding myself when I reach certain weight loss goals. So here's my list I came up with.

-10lbs new fun plates & bowls
-20lbs pedicure & mani
-30lbs New clothes & pack up what's too big
-40lbs new bathing suit that I feel great in!
-50lbs family photoshoot
-60lbs new tattoo

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I can smell Spring...



the dew on the grass, the gentle breeze, the melting snow and the singing birds... it's almost here.

I've taken a walk with Jack everyday since it's been nice. It's been four days in a row now, and it's becoming part of our morning routine. It's about 1 1/2 mile walk too, so it's good exercise. I have him walk as far as he can holding my hand and then I put him in the stroller. Sometimes I let him wonder by himself and he just looks and pokes and explores. He really enjoys our little walks. Yesterday he found pinecones, today he noticed rocks, and he's absolutely fascinated by the gutters, haha. I have a feeling Spring and summer will be a big motivation when it comes to losing weight and getting healthy. And soon our pool will be open! I love to swim.

So, since my first, real hypnotherapy session, which was very small probably lasting just 5 minutes, I can tell a difference. That first night, I had the urge to binge... but that image he told me to think of, came to mind. I thought of what he told me too about motivation, that without motivation I would still binge. I have motivation, just I feel out of control... and that night, I felt in control, enough to let my motivation take over and I ate some carrots w/lowfat veggie dip & roasted almonds. The next day, I ate well again... and late that night I had the urge to over eat, but I wasn't out of control like in the past, I could have said no, but I didn't have the motivation... I wanted to. Not the greatest feeling, but I knew in my mind I could have stopped myself, and that's where I know there is a change. I hope this continues to work for me, it almost seems too good to be true.

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Weight Loss Hypnotherapy session #2

I saw Roy again last night.

He started off the session with a few questions. He asked if anything monumental had happened in the last week. I said no, not really... but that I did share my struggle with weight loss with a close friend. I didn't mention my blog because I wasn't sure if he knew what a blog was, haha. Roy's a bit older if you know what I mean.

He said opening up about it and talking is good.

I knew this from my old sessions with Dan.

He then asked how the person I shared with responded, and continued to tell me sometimes people don't understand you just need to talk and you're not asking them to fix you. He said sometimes it can be more harmful to you if they don't respond correctly.

I laughed a little, I knew this all too well.

I told him the person I shared with, who is a good friend of mine- she took it okay. She did laugh a little when I mentioned hypnotherapy, and then said, "You just need to stop eating." My face must have said it all because she quickly apologized and said she didn't mean it like that. I didn't take it to heart.

(I wish it was that simple.)

Roy laughed, and asked if I've ever heard the doctor & arm joke. I told him no, and he told me about a man who went to the doctor raised his arm and said, "It hurts when I do this." The doctor's response was, "Well just stop doing that." Roy said, It's never that simple.

He went on talking about the hypnotherapy. He asked if I had ever been hypnotized before. I told him I have, it was a long time ago though. It was at the Ohio State Fair during my FFA years in school. I was probably 15 or 16 at the time. I told him I remember thinking the whole time, am I really hypnotized? I also remember trying to stand up but it felt like a giant weight was on my back.

He said this is good, because then I know it's nothing scary and you're not completely asleep or vulnerable like some people think. You're awake the whole time, what you do is listen to the person talking, focus as best as you can, relax as best you can. He also said I can "wake" myself up if I'm feeling uncomfortable anytime by counting backwards from five to one. He went on to speak about how relaxed I would feel, he said for some people... it's the most relaxed they've ever been in their life.

I then asked him about progressive relaxation and if it was similar. I said I use to do this last year when I saw my old counselor Dan. He suggested it when I was having trouble sleeping. And it worked, it was difficult at first (focusing), but it worked for me.

Roy, seemed a little excited I had done that and said, "Yes, Just like that!"

(If you're curious, progressive relaxation is basically when you listen to someone speaking saying, "relax your toes, relax your feet, relax your ankle... etc." and you try as best you can to focus, breath & do this. Usually when I got to my chest/neck I would start to dose off. This is what I listened to last year: Harriet Brekalo, The Art of Self Healing. You can download it from itunes. I also recommend a pair of headphones, it will help you focus better. I remember getting upset when I couldn't find my headphones last year, it made that much of a difference.)

Roy said that since I have been hypnotized before, and that I use to do progressive relaxation, which is similar to hypnotherapy, that this will probably work well for me.

Some people are more able to be hypnotized than others, for some people... they can't focus, or they laugh and break their focus or don't really believe in the process. If you're that type of person, it probably wouldn't do you a bit of good.

After we talked a little, Roy said we could do a small hypnotherapy session that day if I'd like. I asked him, how it works exactly, I was just curious how this all soaks into your mind. He told me that you put your part of the brain that reasons to sleep, and open up your subconscious. He said there will be a small window and you're more open to suggestions.

hmm... Interesting.

Roy then turned all the lights off except for one. It was still bright though, considering it was 5pm and daylight. I felt comfortable. Then he asked me to close my eyes (while I sat in the same chair I was in while we talked, you don't lay down like some people think) and we started.

I don't want to go into detail about what he said, because I've done a little research on hypnotherapy and it can be dangerous if not done correctly, so I've chosen to keep those details out of my blog and only share the general idea of the hypnotherapy sessions.

Basically, he told me when I feel the urge to binge to think of myself when I was happy, at 140lbs. To think of a photo of myself where I felt great, I thought of this photo... back at 4-H camp many years ago! haha That's me in the middle. (Please ignore the scary, plaid pants. lol)

He said to think of this photo when I get the urge, and instead to eat fresh vegetables or fruit, something healthy.

He also said that next time at our hypnotherapy session, that I will be open to the process and will able to return to this state of relaxation easily. He then counted back from 5 to 1 and I slowly "woke up."

Monday, March 8, 2010

peeling off the layers

I've started seeing a counselor again, not for PPD or past trauma, but for weight loss. I thought maybe he could help me figure out why eating healthy is such a struggle for me right now. I can eat healthy all day, within the 1200 calorie range and then right before bed I blow it. It's like I can't control myself and the whole day is wasted. I feel like an addict. I feel weak. I feel like I'm going to be over weight forever.

I'm scared I'm going to wake up one day and I'll be 300lbs. If this cycle doesn't stop then that's exactly what's going to happen. I was 140lbs in high school. This was my healthy weight. I had a lot of muscle and was working out two hours everyday after school. I maintained this weight until I quit soccer. I gained 30lbs, then lost 30lbs. I kept the weight off for two years until I got married, then four months later I was pregnant and the rest is history.

I started seeing my counselor last Monday. He's someone new. My old counselor, Dan, who I saw last year for PPD does not handle eating disorders, and my insurance recommended this new counselor. I hate going to someone new. I trusted Dan, he knew my life story, haha... and it's a long one at that.

At my first session, Roy (my new counselor, that's his name) asked why I was there and I explained my situation. He then he asked if I had ever been through anything traumatic in my life. I laughed. He didn't. I tried to fill him in the best I could. I was surprised how calm and open I was this time around. I feel truly at peace with everything. We both agreed this wasn't anything we needed to probably speak about anymore, that I am okay with it now, it's been dealt with and I can put it to rest. It was a relief.

He said my treatment can go one of two ways- 1) he'll set me up with a meal plan. Which I then explained, a meal plan is not what I need, control is. I know what to eat, when to eat and how much to eat. I probably know better than most people what is in something when it comes to calories & nutrition.

He then said, or hypnotherapy... that he actually hypnotizes patients to gain control when it comes to weight loss and even smoking. I was surprised he mentioned this, I didn't see it on his list of things he specializes in. I was excited! I said I would be open to anything really. We agreed to start there. He said it takes a few weeks before the first session of hypnotherapy, that first we'll discuss how I'm feeling before I binge, what my triggers are... etc.

I hope this works, I don't expect it to be magic... but I'm hoping it will help me gain control a little more. To be able to deal with my emotions before I eat them.

I hate talking about this whole topic. I really hate opening up about it. I'm more upset about this than anything in my past, I guess because I did this to myself. I hurt myself. I have no one to blame but me. And it's dumb really. I told my counselor if I was skinny like I use to be that I feel like my life would be perfect. It sounded so dumb when it came out of my mouth.

I think this is where my face turned red.

Roy then took the attention off me and told me how he use to work at the prison across from Joel as a counselor with the inmates, and it made me feel better.

I said, "So you've heard it all?"

He smiled and said, "They're all innocent."

We both laughed, and I knew the last thing I had to worry about was him judging me.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

living

So much has happened in the past week. Joel started his new sergeant position Monday at the prison and we're on a new, normal schedule for once working 8-4 and weekends & holidays off. Not to mention the $2 pay raise. I hope it's permanent. The warden told him he's the first person to ever get sergeant who didn't have over 10 years + at the prison, Joel only has three... and to consider this a huge accomplishment even if it isn't permanent.

And in my neck of the woods- I'm starting a new business! The works are slow but it should be open by summer (I hope)... I'm trying to keep it on the hush until it's finalized and ready to go, but I'm really REALLY excited about it. The hard part is finding the time to work, it's hard when I'm mom 24/7 and Joel's job sometimes requires over time. Once it is up and running, it will be so much easier to maintain. I'm really excited about this!

And I just booked my tickets to NC for the end of April. I'm going to visit my big sister and her family. I'm really excited, it's just going to be just me though. Joel is staying behind with Jack. It will be my FIRST night away from Jack. Kind of strange to think he's 18 months and I've never spent a night away, and it's not that I don't want to, I guess the opportunity just never came about. We're hoping this fall we can get away on our anniversary and maybe Jack can stay with family.

AND! St. Patty's Day is coming up soon. We have a tradition of watching the Columbus Irish parade and eating green eggs and pancakes. Maybe I can talk my sis, Jess into coming along and bringing baby Brayden.

Seems like time is moving so much faster this year...

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