I heard on the radio that the jackpot drawling was that night (I never play the lottery, but talk about wanting to win it like every other American) so I stopped by a Marathon gas station just to purchase the numbers.
Once back in the car and heading home, I mentioned to Joel we should pretend we already won... what would we buy or do with the money? We agreed on buying the house we live in now, adding an in-ground pool with a heater and glass over it, fencing in the yard and buying a trampoline. Oh and a hybrid car for me and a Cadillac for Joel. We would also add onto the home a "studio" for me. We would buy a boat, go on a cruise and take our first out of country vacation to Italy (my dream!)
We then talked about giving money away... I talked about wanting to help people, maybe open a women's shelter for homeless pregnant mothers and their babies.
Joel stopped me and told me, "saying that won't make God happier and make your chances for winning go up."
I was stunned... no more like pissed. I meant what I said. I would want to do something like that. He gave me a sideways look.
That's when it started to settle in, things are going uphill in a hurry... Joel went on about the guns he would buy, the gun store he would love to open etc.
It totally freaked me the H out! I would never want to own a gun shop. I trust Joel, but the rest of the world- I do not! There are a lot of weirdos out there, and I would hate to sell a gun to even ONE of them.
(I have no idea what is going on here? Weird children.)
The "hippy" in me was coming out, and the hunter in Joel was coming out. We began to argue over money we didn't even have... money in theory. We stopped talking about winning. And secretly to myself, I hoped we didn't win, but then I did want to win... it was weird.
We both even agreed that having that much money would cause a million problems in our marriage and maybe even destroy us.
Winning didn't sound like so much fun anymore. I started to feel silly for buying those tickets.
I went to bed that night early, before the powerball numbers were drawn. I didn't care, but I did... but it could wait until tomorrow.
I checked the number the next afternoon, we lost... of course.
I felt foolish. Why do I want MONEY? THINGS? I HATE THINGS! Does this make sense to anyone?
I re-read an old journal entry today, and it's one I re-read often to remind me what life is about... sometimes we get too caught up in materialism, it's really sad. And what's even more sad, some people will read this post and not understand a single fucking thing I'm talking about.
April 6, 2011, 11:14pm (sitting on the couch)
The boys are asleep. It seems much later than it really is.
Today was wasted on movies from the library, phone calls to dealerships, and subway.
I wasted the day longing for a car I shouldn't. We can't afford it and I don't know why I entertained the idea so long. I fed myself the lie that a car would make me happier. I was doing the math on how much we spend in gas and got sucked into the idea... silly really.
"Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have." - Crystal Bennett
Poor Joel had to hear me carry on. He works so hard to provide for us and here I am going on and on about a $24,000 car! I know we're all guilty of this, but I thought I was more mindful.
"Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times." -Anonymous
People don't work their whole life just to drive a car off a lot. They work to live. And buying a new car is not living, otherwise... like, "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" was saying, movies would be very boring if the whole time you just watched a man work then buy a new car... and how you'd be pissed and feel robbed and want your money back. How great stories, also make great lives. Are you following?
If you understood anything I just wrote, I highly recommend the book, "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years."