Sunday, January 29, 2012

I thought I was just a miserable pregnant person...

It started off like every night, nausea... then followed by vomiting, except it never stopped.  I ended up at Urgent Care after 8 hours of torture and dehydration.  They urged me to go to the ER thinking it was my appendix after pushing on my right side and I felt a slight discomfort (what?) but I refused.

At 8pm, still feeling sick, but not getting sick (because they gave me a shot at Urgent Care to make me stop) and laying in bed all day, I started to feel a slight throbbing pain in my right side, and now feeling a bit panicked... I went to the ER.

I could not believe the possibilities thrown out there by the ER doctor.  A possible normal pregnancy and an extra ectopic in the tube (twins basically)?  A theory because of my history.  My appendix?  My gallbladder because the pain was slightly higher than my appendix?  A miscarriage happening?

After an IV with two bags of saline, a urine sample, a vaginal exam for miscarriage, zofran, being forced to drink 1 liter of water, and an MRI... it was said that my right kidney was swollen, and blood was in my urine.  They think I passed a kidney stone or was about to and the baby was just fine. They wanted to do an ultrasound to look for the stone but it was too late and the people who performed them had went home.

They gave me a prescription for zofran and sent me home.

The nausea and vomiting were so familiar that for six hours I thought it was just because I was pregnant... nice right?  I even had a conversation with my sister about how I'm not excited right now; and how horrible am I?  I don't feel ready yet.  I told her I couldn't do this again.

I guess passing a kidney stone is pretty similar to how I feel pregnant most of the time.

I hate this.  Being Debbie Downer while I'm pregnant.  But a part of me can't pretend to be that happy pregnant person, to keep my mouth shut to please other people.

When this child is here I will love him/her as much as you can love another being.  But right now, right now I am a mother to a three year old, and wife who is struggling to be the happy, nurturing person I once was just a short period ago.  I feel like a bad Mom, and I am constantly reminding myself that Jack is too young to remember this.  Mommy guilt eats you alive.

August... I keep staring at the finish line.

3 comments:

  1. Don't beat yourself up...I know it's hard. I think it's good that you can speak openly about this. Take care...Heidi

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  2. oh, olivia! i'm so happy you're okay and your baby is healthy. i'm really sorry you had to endure such a frightening time. i can't imagine.

    feel what you feel. i think it's smart to allow yourself to be you.
    wishing you much peace, pretty mama!
    <3
    maria

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  3. The mommy's who feel they are being such a bad mommy, in all reality are truely the best mommys...want to know why... because you care enough to worry... about not being the best.

    In only the short period of time I have known you 3 1/2 you are an amazing family. Anthony loves you all and I am glad you are ok! I actullay asked him the other day if he had heard anything from you 3. AND It's ok to be miserable, upset, sleepy, whatever comes your way, it really is!!! Don't feel guilty in any form, you are growing a life inside of you, this takes a lot out emotion wise and body wise...and continuing to live the life and nurture those you love. People who love, know you, and who have met you, know you are a good person no mommy guilt needed ( i know easier said than done, guilty here as well) but you will never change because you show genuine concern and that comes from true people. for you are a wonderful person ...and in life we all are just human. Hope you start to feel bunches better!

    morgan

    ReplyDelete

"Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime." -Dale Carnegie

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