Thursday, February 16, 2012

letting go

I have felt a lot differently about this pregnancy than I did with Jack.  With Jack it felt real from the beginning, but although my mind knows this is happening... I'm not so sure I'm letting myself get as excited as I should.

I thought about it and maybe there are some things I need to do... somethings I need to feel.  So today I looked up the due date for the baby we conceived last May.  I wouldn't allow myself to do the math before now, not a single ounce of me wanted to know... 

The baby would have been born this month.

I let my mind go there... 

I imagined our life this month if everything had went perfectly.  And for a few brief moments I was consumed with the thought and forgot about the little being growing inside of me right now.  

I owe it to this baby to be present.

The moment I saw the two lines, I cried... not tears of joy, but tears of fear.  I showed Joel all I could say was, "I don't want it to be like the last..."  

I've thought a lot about it, and I think we're going to do the 3/4D ultrasound after 14 weeks.  I think knowing the sex will help us connect more.  I originally didn't want to know, but Joel fought me on it.  And a part of me just feels like I'm waiting for something... waiting to know more to be able to feel more. 

We have a baby appointment tomorrow... and I'm getting excited, a bit nervous, but mostly just excited. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.  ~Author Unknown

Change has never came easily to me.  It makes me anxious, it makes me excited, and it makes me feel alive.  At the same time it makes me scared, feel unprepared and like things are moving way too fast.  But here we are, faced with changes this year, that regardless of how we feel, are going to happen.  

I was sure having a baby would be our one and only major change this year, but life has a funny way of shaking everything up at once.  We found out Joel's Aunt and Uncle who own the house we are renting are seriously considering selling.  As much as I would love to own our own place, it's not the cards for us right now, and we have since decided to move.  We hope to be settled in a new home by summer, well before the baby comes.  While we are sad to leave, I am happy to actually move to a smaller home.  So, we're having a baby and moving, but that's not all...

Preschool anyone?  I'm sure most Mama's can understand, but to anyone else I probably sound so... dramatic.  While I know Jack is going to absolutely love it and do amazing, I know it's going to be another hard step as a Mama letting him go.  But I will, and I will do with a giant smile on my face while holding back the tears.  If everything goes according to plan Jack will be starting preschool in the fall.  He'll be starting right around the time the baby is born, which I haven't decided yet is a good thing or a bad thing.  


Joel called me last night from work, and he was offered a lieutenant position.  While we are so excited for him because it's a great opportunity to learn we are in the dark about the shift and days off.  Keeping my fingers crossed it's not 3rd.  Just another change in our lives about to take effect. 

Changes are coming our way full force... and while thinking about all the changes at once is a little scary, I know it's going to make this year interesting and a little crazy.  I'm excited, I'm terrified and ready or not- it's happening. 

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