I thought about it and maybe there are some things I need to do... somethings I need to feel. So today I looked up the due date for the baby we conceived last May. I wouldn't allow myself to do the math before now, not a single ounce of me wanted to know...
The baby would have been born this month.
I let my mind go there...
I imagined our life this month if everything had went perfectly. And for a few brief moments I was consumed with the thought and forgot about the little being growing inside of me right now.
I owe it to this baby to be present.
The moment I saw the two lines, I cried... not tears of joy, but tears of fear. I showed Joel all I could say was, "I don't want it to be like the last..."
I've thought a lot about it, and I think we're going to do the 3/4D ultrasound after 14 weeks. I think knowing the sex will help us connect more. I originally didn't want to know, but Joel fought me on it. And a part of me just feels like I'm waiting for something... waiting to know more to be able to feel more.
We have a baby appointment tomorrow... and I'm getting excited, a bit nervous, but mostly just excited.