Thursday, February 16, 2012

letting go

I have felt a lot differently about this pregnancy than I did with Jack.  With Jack it felt real from the beginning, but although my mind knows this is happening... I'm not so sure I'm letting myself get as excited as I should.

I thought about it and maybe there are some things I need to do... somethings I need to feel.  So today I looked up the due date for the baby we conceived last May.  I wouldn't allow myself to do the math before now, not a single ounce of me wanted to know... 

The baby would have been born this month.

I let my mind go there... 

I imagined our life this month if everything had went perfectly.  And for a few brief moments I was consumed with the thought and forgot about the little being growing inside of me right now.  

I owe it to this baby to be present.

The moment I saw the two lines, I cried... not tears of joy, but tears of fear.  I showed Joel all I could say was, "I don't want it to be like the last..."  

I've thought a lot about it, and I think we're going to do the 3/4D ultrasound after 14 weeks.  I think knowing the sex will help us connect more.  I originally didn't want to know, but Joel fought me on it.  And a part of me just feels like I'm waiting for something... waiting to know more to be able to feel more. 

We have a baby appointment tomorrow... and I'm getting excited, a bit nervous, but mostly just excited. 

1 comment:

  1. This is beautiful, Olivia. Allowing ourselves to feel whatever we're feeling is so healthy. I love what you said about being present for this baby. I can relate to the way you felt when finding out. I so often would feel the same. We learn so much from our experiences and the time that passes.
    I hope your appointment was wonderful and exciting. And that it brought you peace. I'm looking forward to your next post! :)
    Thank you for all of your kindness and support...it means so much!
    Wishing you and your family lots of love and happiness!
    Xoxox
    Maria

    ReplyDelete

"Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime." -Dale Carnegie

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