Sunday, January 29, 2012

Why are you having another baby if you hate being pregnant so much?

Yes I have been asked this.

It's like asking a student, why are you getting a college degree if you hate going to school so much?  It's what comes at the end that is worth it.

Kind of a silly question isn't it?  And who said you had to enjoy being pregnant?

I'm just that student that has to study extra hard... it doesn't come so easily to me.

I thought I was just a miserable pregnant person...

It started off like every night, nausea... then followed by vomiting, except it never stopped.  I ended up at Urgent Care after 8 hours of torture and dehydration.  They urged me to go to the ER thinking it was my appendix after pushing on my right side and I felt a slight discomfort (what?) but I refused.

At 8pm, still feeling sick, but not getting sick (because they gave me a shot at Urgent Care to make me stop) and laying in bed all day, I started to feel a slight throbbing pain in my right side, and now feeling a bit panicked... I went to the ER.

I could not believe the possibilities thrown out there by the ER doctor.  A possible normal pregnancy and an extra ectopic in the tube (twins basically)?  A theory because of my history.  My appendix?  My gallbladder because the pain was slightly higher than my appendix?  A miscarriage happening?

After an IV with two bags of saline, a urine sample, a vaginal exam for miscarriage, zofran, being forced to drink 1 liter of water, and an MRI... it was said that my right kidney was swollen, and blood was in my urine.  They think I passed a kidney stone or was about to and the baby was just fine. They wanted to do an ultrasound to look for the stone but it was too late and the people who performed them had went home.

They gave me a prescription for zofran and sent me home.

The nausea and vomiting were so familiar that for six hours I thought it was just because I was pregnant... nice right?  I even had a conversation with my sister about how I'm not excited right now; and how horrible am I?  I don't feel ready yet.  I told her I couldn't do this again.

I guess passing a kidney stone is pretty similar to how I feel pregnant most of the time.

I hate this.  Being Debbie Downer while I'm pregnant.  But a part of me can't pretend to be that happy pregnant person, to keep my mouth shut to please other people.

When this child is here I will love him/her as much as you can love another being.  But right now, right now I am a mother to a three year old, and wife who is struggling to be the happy, nurturing person I once was just a short period ago.  I feel like a bad Mom, and I am constantly reminding myself that Jack is too young to remember this.  Mommy guilt eats you alive.

August... I keep staring at the finish line.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Meal Planning & Cleaning Rules (I'm backkk)

I decided to take a month break from facebooking and blogging, but I've since realized blogging is a great tool for me so I'm back. I'm keeping my promise on the facebook break though, I'm realizing more and more how unhealthy it really is. Also right now being positive is difficult for me with all that is going on, so deep posts for now will go into my private journal where I can vent and let loose without judgement.


So with me being pregnant, cooking and cleaning has went on the back burner. Every smell is making my stomach turn, I even had to unplug all of our glade plug-ins... anything that has a smell, is too much! Cleaning products (even natural like vinegar) makes me sick. The smells of food makes me sick. Somedays I wonder if I'm really just pregnant or if I have the flu.

To describe our house into a nutshell, it's a disaster.

So for the last two days I have willed myself to clean and cook, and things are slowly going back into order. I find I have to push myself to just breath out of my mouth and try, otherwise things will fall apart. It's hard being pregnant!

So in order to help myself, I have put into place a few new rules that I hope slowly will turn into habit...

Dishes, not a single one is allowed in the sink! Never. Ever. Ever! LOL...

It goes STRAIGHT into the dishwasher. This use to be my rule, but I got sick and tired and let things go... thinking Joel would pick up my slack. And he does help, occasionally, but in less cleaning and doing dishes are a habit, doing it occasionally will not cut it and soon I'll find myself with a pile of dishes to do. Also since I'm pregnant, I've been buying paper plates and plastic cups. As much as the hippy in me wants to NOT buy these things, I have since let go of the guilt and allowed myself the luxury.  Hopefully soon my new "no dishes in the sink" rule will help me get rid of the disposable plates and cups.

Cooking: This has been an absolute challenge! Just looking at a cook book, pinterest or anything with food makes me ehhh. But it needs to be done. Our eating habits have slowly turned to take-out or not eating at all (me) because I can't stomach it. It's not healthy and I have to bite the bullet and do it anyways. So, today I'm drawing up a new master list of meals to choose from that will weed out all of the gross foods I've had to stare at lately.

Here goes, our Master List for Meal Planning (edited frequently)...

Main Course:
Chicken Pot Pie Soup & Biscuits
kabobs in the oven
homemade pizza
French Toast casserole
orange chicken
whole wheat fettuccini alfredo & veggies (or chicken)
baked BBQ chicken
baked teriyaki chicken
chicken and dumplings
pineapple, bacon bbq burgers
chicken pot pie
grandma Geuy's chili
mexican casserole
fajitas
hamburgers
lasagna
meatloaf
pot roast & veggies in the crock pot
bbq pulled pork sandwiches in the crock pot
spaghetti
steak
stir fry
pancakes
light broccoli cheese soup
breakfast casserole
healthy homemade chicken tenders
sweet peas, sausage and potatoes
Kyle's Crap (my brother in law's recipe, cabbage, italian sausage, onion & potatoes)
Bahama Mama's sausage, potatoes & Sour Crowd (sp?)
pork chops
quiche

Sides:
mushrooms in butter
stuffed mushrooms
deviled eggs
rice
baked potato
baked sweet potato
mashed potatoes
cheesy potatoes
bacon
green bean casserole
cheese ball & crackers (catalina/onion)
baked sweet potato
steak fries

fruit:
strawberries
oranges
watermelon
bananas
apples
grapes
pineapple

veggies:
corn
zucchini
salad
green beans
sweet peas
avocado

breakfast:
homemade glazed donuts
homemade sinful cinnamon rolls
pancakes
waffles
eggs

desserts:
crock-pot baked apples
sinful banana pie


Photo Credit: Zdenek Pachl

Monday, January 16, 2012

Taking a break

I've decided to take a break from facebook and blogging for a month. My reasons vary, but my biggest is stress.

Yep... that's about it.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

I was hoping to write this post one day.

A lot of my posts from December are encrypted with worry and doubt...

Subconscious
she's all laid up in bed with a broken heart...

I wrote these when I knew we were pregnant, but I didn't know if it was another ectopic pregnancy.

Everything was happening as it did last time; negative pregnancy tests and then positive the next week.  I wanted so badly to just talk it out, but Joel's not the talking type when he's genuinely upset.  We were both hurting.  We were keeping it a secret too so it was extra hard.  Why do we do this to ourselves?

The thought of another day like this, killed me.

I posted this music video when I really needed him, but I didn't know how to say it...


I was in the bedroom when I heard him play the video.  I heard him slowly get up and come into our room, and he gave me a hug and I just sobbed.  It was exactly what I needed.  God, just writing it here makes me cry.  It was everything I needed.

Now here we are around four or five blood tests and two ultrasounds later... with a normal pregnancy.  I have morning sickness like a mother (pun intended) so I know my body is doing what it's suppose to.

We can finally stop holding our breath...

feel the rain

Both images found on pinterest. 

Monday, January 2, 2012

ridiculous


This is happening more often then I'd like it to admit...
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