Friday, May 17, 2013

cluttered thoughts and an update

How can a mind feel cluttered?  I feel like it's got boxes here, trash on the floor and there's no where to sit.  I want to throw things and sets fires to make some open, clear space.

I really need to start meditating.

Why can't I put two words, two paragraphs, two pages together and have them be seamless in thought?

Today I had an appointment with my new dermatologist.  I had a scary mole looked at... I was told not to fret, and then we discussed a few other skin issues I was having.

The words slowly turned into... "that looks like a result of diabetes."

(This is where you would hear the screeching noise as the music is shut off.)

Diabetes?

How many times did I play the paranoid patient pushing for tests to clarify that I do not still have diabetes after having gestational diabetes with Jude?

How many times did a previous dermatologist and two other physicians look at what she looked at today and not given me answers.  How many years have I had this?

I have had this redish rash on my legs, and it's come and gone for the last couple years.  No one knew what it was.  One said it was a side effect of medications, another said it was a heat rash... the list goes on.  She even said if it's not caused my diabetes they can take a sample and find out for sure (why the hell hasn't anyone else done this?)

I honestly think I've had diabetes for years.

At my last doctor's appointment I was told I was spilling protein in my urine.  They didn't have any answers why.  And now I think I do.

I'm angry for falling through the cracks, I'm angry at myself for not pushing harder... but mostly I'm thankful for my new knowledgeable dermatologist.  I just want answers.  She ordered all the labs a dermatologist shouldn't have to order.

I put myself back on a diabetic diet today and started walking again.

I know it's all about perspective, and I'm changing.  I did it once, twice... and third time's a charm they say.  I can do this.  I can be that girl who lives with diabetes and does it by diet and exercise alone.


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