Saturday, May 18, 2013

the drive home


I think there are moments in your life like a movie... where you find something out, something happens or you've been let down and all you can think about is stopping at the corner bar because feeling numb and drunk sounds like a great short-term solution. 

That was me yesterday.  

And I would have stopped if my family had more than one vehicle, if I didn't have Joel and the kids at home waiting, and if I didn't have to call someone to pick my drunk ass up. 

This is just an honest post, because I think every blog is due for one every now and then.  

I thought long and hard about sitting on a bar stool alone throwing back a few shots of hard liquor.  I don't really drink and  I would have been drunk in less than an hour. 

The thought was appealing.  

Being told for a second time you probably have diabetes isn't something that a lot of people think is traumatizing, but it's a hard pill to swallow and I wanted something monumental to wash it down with.

And if you're not familiar with diabetes... here's just one fact: Type 2 diabetes is typically a chronic disease associated with a ten-year-shorter life expectancy.

Maybe I could get drunk, call someone to pick me up and start a new life tomorrow.  How epic and memorable would that be?  My final goodbye to this life.  

Because diabetes if done right, is a life altering disease. 

It's a constant struggle as food is even a love language that my Dad longed to shower me with when I had gestational diabetes.  It was hard to reject, without him feeling rejected.  

Just this past week he brought me some caramel apple suckers that I love from my childhood candy store, Carmazzi's. 

People say, "Oh you can still eat in moderation."  If you do it right, if you're living with type 2 and you're honest to God controlling it by diet alone, you won't go there... you won't temp yourself.  You won't risk it. 

So well before 5 PM after my doctor's appointment, I drove past Little Nashville and Bracken's Pub... both with doors open and lights on.  I drove with the windows down, music loud and I took back country roads home and I cried slow tears behind my sunglasses. 

I got home and thought about going out into the woods to have some time alone, but I heard little footsteps and I went inside and hugged my kids and started my research and then took a good two hour walk with them because that's what I did while I was pregnant everyday with gestational diabetes.

Then I promised myself a new tomorrow, and a new life.  

3 comments:

  1. you are strong and beautiful and brave. i will be praying for you and thinking about you lots, olivia. <3<3<3

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh sweetie...so sorry to read this. Let's talk....soon! Hugs and love coming your way. XXXXX

    ReplyDelete
  3. I'm sorry Olivia! I know it is such a terrible thing to live with but I just encourage you to remember that there are plenty of people who have lived past when doctors told them was their life expectancy. Your mental outlook is as important as your physical health. I'm very proud of you for not drinking. It wouldn't have helped...just made you feel worse in the morning.

    You are a strong lovely lady and I'm glad you finally posted your URL in the comments of my blog. Now I can read your stuff too. And it's really great. Thank you for sharing your life with me and the rest of the world :)

    ReplyDelete

"Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime." -Dale Carnegie

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