Thursday, June 6, 2013

depression hurts


“When you're surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when you're by yourself. 
You can be in a huge crowd, 
but if you don't feel like you can trust anyone or talk to anybody, 
you feel like you're really alone.” 
― Fiona Apple




A close family member that I love is battling depression.

As someone who's been though the fog twice, I spent last night assuring him he's not alone, not crazy and all the thoughts in his mind that he doesn't want to share- I've been there and I promised him he'd be happy again, that he would feel like himself again someday.

He wanted to talk about it... so we talked.

It's nothing to be ashamed of (although I could tell a few others in the room were a bit uncomfortable).

His questions of "why" when nothing horrible has happened I think is what is most upsetting to him.  He can't understand it.

I told him there are many questions in life and not enough answers.

I said all the things that were in my mind while depressed but I never expressed, like all the real thoughts I had but never shared because I didn't want to scare anyone (he nodded in agreement).  How one day I was okay, and the next it was like a train had hit me and I couldn't understand how it could come on so strong and so sudden (more nods).

I called him today and talked about medications, things I'm currently on and how I also feel like a bit of this is in our genes.  I think it runs in the family.  It's not his fault.  (He is very active and healthy and I do believe that drugs can and do help people suffering from depression.)

I told him it's hard to go through the fog of depression once and come through thinking you'll never experience that again... and then you do- and it's a whole new experience accepting that you can't control everything.

He said after he came out of depression awhile back, he never thought he'd feel this way again... I said it's a hard to accept, but that he would be happy again.

This person has years of life experience that I don't.  I love him, and I worry about him and I hope one day soon... he will feel true happiness.

Today I looked back in an old journal of mine when I was battling depression in 2009 and here's just a small excerpt.

I think it's good to remember.

February 17, 2009

"Joel had to work a double.  I waited until Jack went to bed to "fall apart."  I had and still do have a major migraine.  I took a hot shower to relax and cry.  The shower is the one place I feel safe enough to let all of my emotions out.  And although it feels good to release it... I start to wonder... why am I sad?  Why am I upset?  I have everything I ever wanted... 

I feel guilty for my ill feelings and thoughts... 

Is this really a mental illness?  Sometimes I'm not sure... how do you know?  And how do you know when you've overcome it?  I keep thinking I'm finally healed and stop my medication only to find myself in the same old rut. 

I keep making excuses so I don't have to see Dan (my counselor).  I know he's helping me but it just seems like too much energy... 

Headaches are becoming all too common lately.  I feel like I can't "quiet" my mind.  My thoughts are so random and sometimes I forget my original thought that sparked my fifty trailing thoughts." 

*If someone you know is battling depression, here is an article of 10 things to say and 10 things not to say.

*And if you are battling depression, I urge you to talk to someone.  The first step is always the hardest.  And if talking seems unimaginable, I suggest writing a letter to express yourself.  You will be happy again, I promise.

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2 comments:

  1. Thanks for sharing this Olivia. Depression is serious business and I'm glad you could be there for your family member. As someone who also struggles with depression, I know how important it is to be able to talk to someone who gets it. My go-to friend and I know we can call eachother and spill our guts without judgement or questions. SO important.

    Thanks for sharing some of your journal. It inspires me to do the same. I'm sending healing light and love your way for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Great post!!! In really had a great time reading it!!! It was really informative, thanks
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"Perhaps you will forget tomorrow the kind words you say today, but the recipient may cherish them over a lifetime." -Dale Carnegie

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