Tuesday, September 24, 2013

perfect paralyzes

It’s been hard for me to blog lately. 

I don’t know… maybe it’s because I’m not where I want to be.  I have this idea of perfect, and I know how perfect is impossible and how crippling it really is to living, but I still can’t seem to shake it.  It paralyzes me.

We live in an imperfect world.  I tell myself that a lot.

Do you ever just look at who you’ve become and think that’s not me, I’ll make a few changes and then I’ll be the person I’m suppose to be?

I see myself as someone that I’m really not, not right now… or not anymore, but hope to be.

I’m not unhappy.  I just want to change. 

It's being caught between who you are and who you want to be. 

Sunday, September 15, 2013

intentional living

So I'm trying to be more intentional.

Friday night we had a bonfire in the backyard.  We made smores with Jack and I pitched a crazy idea for our family.  The idea wasn't well received ... I'm pretty sure Joel compared it to the tooth-fairy.  But it was fun to imagine and talk about.  I don't want to share it yet, because I'm hoping it seeps into Joel's subconscious and one day he'll be like, "Liv... let's do it." (haha)  Jack on the other hand is completely on board.  My little explorer.  He has a heart full of adventure and I love it.

After the boys went to bed, we laid in the grass and looked up at the stars.  I saw a falling star and it felt somewhat surreal, it was that beautiful.

It was a clear night and I watched plane after plane pass over us.  They were so small you had to watch for the flashing lights to make sure it wasn't a star.

Made me think of the times I was a flight attendant.  Made me miss the views from above the clouds and the time the pilot and first officer called me up just to show me Las Vegas from 30,000 ft... the night was so clear you could see the strip.  "There's sin city," he told me.

But the thing I miss the most about flying is Boston in the fall, or when the plane doors opened in New Orleans... you could just smell the ocean, or when it was winter in Ohio and then we'd land in California and it was like we traveled through time and landed in summer.

By midnight I had another "crazy" idea, but this time it involved me driving to Nashville in December for a weekend photography course.  The only thing is, it's pretty expensive.  But I know it would challenge me as an artist and I'd probably make some lasting friendships.  Time will tell if it's something I'm meant to do.  The idea scares me but it excites me more.

We went to bed too late that night... and I woke up too early.  It's been awhile since I've been up before the sun.  While everyone was in bed I went to the Farmer's Market and I lost track of time.

The produce at the Farmer's Market doesn't compare to the store.  It's been awhile since I'd been, so I loaded up on corn, beets, honey, kale, red onions, pumpkin bread, coffee and the cutest little potatoes I'd ever seen.  I got a big pumpkin and a few gourds for the house and a fun pumpkin cookie with candy corn eyes for Jack.  I learned how to grow lavender and I met a lot of sweet people.

After I got into my car I realized we were suppose to be at Jack's first soccer game in 30 minutes, so I went home and got the troops ready.

It was the perfect sweater weather for a soccer game and Jack scored the first goal!  We met a lot of new people there and my Mom came to watch.  She also brought Schuler's Donuts which are the best donuts in the world.  Jack even snuck across the field and grabbed a few donut holes when he saw us.

After the game we went home and Joel and Jude took a nap while Jack and I cleaned up a bit and cooked lunch.  It was a lazy Saturday afternoon and later I made dinner.  I've been trying to cook all our meals at home and have us all sit together at the kitchen table, you know... be more intentional :)

photo source: Mandy Lynne

Friday, September 13, 2013


I read 255 pages last night.

I read, "A Million Miles In A Thousand Years."

It wasn't the first time, but it was the first time it made sense.
It was the first time I needed to read it.
It was the answer to my floating.

I use to think reading a book would never give me answers, just like how we constantly google for answers we could easily figure out ourselves.

I know what I need to do, I know what I need to change and I know what makes a life meaningful.  I don't think I've ever had such a clear cut direction.

     "If you watched a movie about a guy who wanted a Volvo and worked for years to get it, you wouldn't cry at the end when he drove off the lot, testing the windshield wipers.  You wouldn't tell your friends you saw a beautiful movie or go home and put a record on to think about the story you'd seen.  The truth is, you wouldn't remember that movie a week later, except you'd feel robbed and want your money back.  Nobody cries at the end of a movie about a guy who wants a Volvo.
     But we spend years actually living those stories, and expect our lives to feel meaningful.  The truth is, if what we choose to do with our lives won't make a story meaningful, it won't make a life meaningful either." 
- Donald Miller

Thursday, September 12, 2013


300 times I've sat down here to write.

And as much as I want to point out, "hey... I've shared a lot of my life here," there's even more than I haven't.

Like how every time I open up this page I'm stuck.

I'll write later I tell myself and x out of the page.

I sit and think how maybe I have writer's block.  Why can't I write something that flows together, not a bunch of ramblings that mean nothing to me.

I've been reading and thinking a lot.  Maybe too much thinking.  And maybe too much reading looking for an answer.

Live your life and you'll have something to write about, I've read.

But a lot has happened in my life lately.  Jude turned one, and started walking.  Jack started preschool, and our six-year wedding anniversary is in a week, a day after Jack's 5th birthday.  I photographed my last wedding of the season and I've rejoined facebook (gasp).  I'm throwing a double birthday party next weekend for the boys and I've been staring too long at pinterest.

But is that really living?  Things that come yearly that must be addressed?  I think you can float through life if you want to.  I think you can float through life if you don't want to.

Maybe that's what I've been doing... floating.
photo source
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