Wednesday, January 30, 2013

you took my hand and danced with me

Date night.

Sushi.

Rain. 

Long Islands.

Laughs.

And dancing... right in the middle of World Market to "Harvest Moon."

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

two words: diva cup

Yep... I'm going there.

Since I was pregnant for close to a year I'm starting to have my period again and I can't help but imagine life with a diva cup. lol

I'm laughing because when I mentioned the words "diva cup" in a female conversation a few months back people thought I was about to dish about some sexual device.  I laughed for probably five minutes before I could finally explain it.

Never heard of one?  Basically it's a silicone cup that is inserted somewhat like a tampon, you basically wear it all day long, and at the end of the day, dump out the contents, boil it and wear it again.

It holds the liquid and somehow suctions inside of you so no leaks happen.  It's suppose to be healthier for you and of course... another green solution.  I think the cup is good for one year before needing replaced but don't quote me on that, it's been awhile since I read the fine print.

It's also much cheaper than tampons and pads for a year, basically I've had two periods since Jude was born and I've spent probably $40 on products... so I could have already bought one and saved myself lots of money.

Has anyone used or tried it?  I'm tempted. Ha!
Hey, even Target sells it!

Monday, January 28, 2013

Go the F**k to Sleep

This basically sums up my night.
And the newborn is sleeping like an angel... it's the four year old who knows better.

Saturday, January 26, 2013

two things


“When you know you are doing your very best within the circumstances of your existence, 
applaud yourself!”
- Rusty Berkus


I realized two things today that shocked me.

1.) I have a four-month old.

Which means, I am being ridiculously hard on myself.  What I've been expecting of myself, I would never expect out of a mother with a child so young.

I make all these to-do lists and set goals for the week, only to fail miserably.

I tell myself they are reasonable goals, and they are... for a Mother who has older children.

Today I took a two-hour nap and I woke up feeling a bit lazy and mad at myself.

But wait, I was out late last night with two kids in tow and I woke up with a newborn 2-3 times throughout the night.  How did I not conk out sooner?



“The more you praise and celebrate your life, the more there is in life to celebrate.”
- Oprah Winfrey


2.) In ten years, I'll be 35.

Wait, what?

How did that happen?

Ten years is not a long time at all.  I have a lot things I want to cross off my list before the ten year mark, I need to get busy!

It put a lot of things into perspective for me when it comes to time.

How did I ignore such truth?  I'm making a point to be kinder to myself and to respect and cherish time more.  


“If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why spend 2/7th of your life wasting your free time? After all, free time isn’t free. Free time is the most expensive time you have, because nobody pays for it but you. But that also makes it the most valuable time you have, as you alone stand to reap the profits from spending it wisely.” 
― Jarod Kintz

Thursday, January 24, 2013

this is love

Joel said he had a song he wanted to dedicate to me, and made me watch this...



And then I said, I have a song for him too...



Then he told me I was creepy :)

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

quiet moments

Dear Jack,

     Tonight, after I laid in your bed watching while you put on a small dance show with Rudolph in your doorway, I read you the book, "Wherever You Are, My Love Will Find You."

After I read the book and sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" and "You Are My Sunshine"... you started to ask me questions about the person who was lost in the book.

I tried to explain it's not about being lost, it's just about going through life and knowing my love is always with you.

I told you love is magical.

I told you my love is in your heart wherever you are... like at karate, in the car with Daddy, when you're at Grandma's house, when you're at the grocery store... it's always there (as I touched your chest and tapped where your heart is).

Then you said, "Or like at the zoo by the polar bears."

And I laughed and agreed at your randomness.

Then I stopped laughing and realized you were recalling a memory I had forgot...

We were at the zoo last Spring by the polar bears watching them swim and play when I looked down and realized you had wondered off.

I started to scream your name.

My heart was pounding.

I started to run down the polar bear exhibit yelling for you, when someone pointed to a little boy... alone, by the ramp to the lower level, crying.

I hugged you and hugged you, and hugged you and tried not to cry.

My heart aches just remembering.

Love will give you some really intense memories.

I told you, "Yes, just like at the zoo when we lost each other.  My love will find you."

Oh Jack, if it weren't for the rare quiet moments we share at bedtime... I would miss so much of your love.

And I almost forgot... after we talked about the memory of being lost, you said, "And remember Zoie said the polar bear was pooping.  And he was.  And it broke apart."

You always make me laugh.

And yes, we did see a polar bear pooping and it broke apart in the water right above our heads.

I told you, "You are so funny."

And you said, "Yes I'm so funny" which made me laugh even harder.

After our giggling had settled down you told me you wanted to make me a present (one of the many ways you show love) and I told you what I really love the best are your hugs.

So you hugged me.  A good solid hug with kisses.

                               You're my favorite Jack in the whole wide world and my love will always find you,
                                                                                       Mommy

Friday, January 18, 2013

i feel naked


"When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life, for your strength. Give thanks for your food and for the joy of living. If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself."  
-Tecumseh


I forgot to put on my wedding ring before I left the house.

I never forget.

I put on my glasses that basically have a prescription of zero, to hide behind.

Funny, I'm 25 years old, married with children and I still don't feel completely comfortable eating alone.

McDonalds- learn how to chop your salad.  I just shoved a leaf the size of my foot in my mouth all awkwardly.

I didn't leave the house on the best of terms.  Somehow the words, "I need to take care of myself, to be able to take care of our family" came in out in words that sounded more like an argument.  I didn't even realize that's what I what all my ramblings were summing up to until my long contemplative drive here.

I kissed all my boys goodbye, even Joel on his head and headed here and then I'm off to the grocery store.

Don't worry, he knew I needed to go grocery shopping.  He just doesn't know I'm here.  But, I had to eat dinner and I needed a bit of alone time.

Who ate my salad?

I hate when that happens.

So, I joined weight watchers today.  I have goals for this year.  I have things on my bucket list that I'm crossing off this year.

I'm excited.

Maybe I'll be able to express myself a little better tonight.  You know the 'ole communication thing.

Well, I better go... I've got some shopping to do.

A pack of coke and a few peanut-butter cups and all will be forgiven.

Holy Hell,  McDonald's playlist is totally killing pandora.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

no more babies

“You can't be neutral on a moving train.” 
-Howard Zinn

I have struggled with the reality that I will never be pregnant again for the past few weeks.  It's not that I want more children, it's just that I don't like having my options taken away.

And while I am 80% sure I'm done and our family is complete, Joel was 99% sure.  So we did what we thought was best for our family and Joel got a vasectomy. 

I told myself that if God wants us to have another baby, it will happen on it's own... through some miracle, and that rational alone- comforts that 20% of me that is unsure.

Pregnancy never agreed with me, and to be honest I've been feeling nauseous, so the night before the procedure, I actually took a pregnancy test, probably the last one- ever...

The indifference when you're holding that test stick is strange.  But I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw one line.

That I was alone in that bathroom.

My body was, selfishly, still mine.

We both agreed in the car that we never thought we'd be making such a big decision so young, that if you asked us a year ago... we'd never believe we'd be considering such a big change.

But life is like that, sneaking up on you with major life decisions that need to be taken into consideration even if you're not exactly ready.

So...

Cheers to unprotected sex! Ha :)

Saturday, January 12, 2013

I'm breaking up with facebook

I'm torching the bridge and watching it burn.

I'm completely done with facebook.

I'm searching for peace and more intentional living, and being a part of such chaos is not parallel to that lifestyle.

I actually wrote a blog post explaining why in great detail, but I liked it so much I turned it into an article and submitted it to one of my favorite websites.  I probably won't get published, but I feel like I can cross something off my bucket list.

I'm technically not allowed to publish it anywhere while it's being reviewed, but I thought a small paragraph wouldn't hurt...

"Moments that were private within our home were always followed by a thought about sharing on facebook.  My mind started to talk in facebook updates.  I was blowing up the feed with photos of my kids and all my artsy instagram photos.

And the part that I didn’t want to admit to… the judging."

My photography business page on facebook has been what's holding me back, but right now... it's the size I'd like it to be, and we will continue to grow by word of mouth.  

So, I'm letting that go too.

Here's to more intentional living! 

*Once I get the official rejection or slim chance of an approval, I'll share the article :) 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

we've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul

A good friend of mine, sent me this today in an email and I think it's definitely worth sharing.

SOMETHING TO PONDER
By George Carlin

George Carlin's wife died early in 2008 and George followed her, dying in July 2008. It is ironic George Carlin - comedian of the 70's and 80's - could write something so very eloquent and so very appropriate. An observation by George Carlin:

"The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.

We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life not life to years. We've been all the way to the moon and back, but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor. We conquered outer space but not inner space. We've done larger things, but not better things.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul. We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice. We write more, but learn less. We plan more, but accomplish less. We've learned to rush, but not to wait. We build more computers to hold more information, to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less.

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion, big men and small character, steep profits and shallow relationships. These are the days of two incomes but more divorce, fancier houses, but broken homes. These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers, throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies, and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill. It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom. A time when technology can bring this letter to you, and a time when you can choose either to share this insight, or to just hit delete.

Remember to spend some time with your loved ones, because they are not going to be around forever.

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe, because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side.

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent.

Remember, to say, 'I love you' to your partner and your loved ones, but most of all mean it. A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you.

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday that person will not be there again.

Give time to love, give time to speak! And give time to share the precious thoughts in your mind.

And always remember, life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by those moments that take our breath away."

Monday, January 7, 2013

Saturday, January 5, 2013

and so this is Christmas...


Jack & Jude on "Christmas Eve"

We celebrated the night before because of Joel's work schedule.

Milk & cookies we baked for Santa, and carrot slices for the reindeer.

Our Christmas morning came and we celebrated together as a family.

                         Joel & Jude "Christmas Morning"

Joel got home early, and instead of waiting for the boys to wake us up... 
Joel was excited...
together we went to wake up Jack.

sleepy Jack #ignorethemess

Christmas Eve day was our Christmas.

 Wooo a balloon pumper!  The ONLY thing Jack asked for.  It was $3.


Jude's 1st baby ornament!


 Ugh... I really wish I hadn't worn Joel's free gamer shirt (he got it the night he bought Black OPS II) to bed.
.
 Our beautiful gift this year... Judy Booty!





 Here's some salmon Mom!  (Yes salmon; thanks Ikea!)

A flower balloon in a mason jar from Joel.

After gifts we had orange rolls, sausage and chocolate milk together.

I was so excited this year... so pumped and then it came and it wasn't at all like I had put together in my mind.  

I actually had about 10 paragraphs wrote out before I decided some things are better left unsaid.  

I was reminded that we live in an imperfect world.  Nothing will ever be perfect... 

It's hard doing this alone.

I feel guilty when I don't organize or plan things so it goes smoothly when Joel has that small window of opportunity to be with the people he loves.  

It's hard going to family things alone with two young boys in tow.  It's hard sleeping alone.  It's hard leaving family events with my parents instead of my husband.  

It's even harder when people judge you.

Friday, January 4, 2013

365 love letters

"The best security blanket a child can have is parents who respect one another..."
-Jane Blaustone
Dear Joel,

     I'm sorry for yesterday.  I love you.  You are my best friend and there is no one else in this world that I want to spend my life with, but you.

     I want you to always come first in my life, not the cake in the oven, all the things on my "to-do" list. I want us to last.  I want you to love me forever.

     I might complain a lot, but the positives in our life vastly out-number the negative and that is what I need to focus on. Us.  Our family.  Our blessings.

     Today I told myself I'd write you a hand-written love letter, because I want you to feel special and loved.  Then I thought... why not 365 of them?  He, he.  So a goal for ME,  not you, is to write you 365 love letters for an entire year.

     That's a lot of love... and I think it will help me focus on only the positive, while also loving you.  I'm doing this for us.  Do not feel like you need to do the same, if the mood strikes you... so be it.  But I only want you to if you feel like it.  Other-wise just love me however you want to- it's perfect already.  No guilt, please... this is my goal, not yours.  Some letters will be long, others will be short... but each will hold a piece of my love for you.

     I hope you have a good day today, thank you for letting me sleep... I haven't slept that long since I can remember when.

     This year is going to be awesome.  Make some goals for us and our family and tell me about them (verbly, not by letter, he, he) mine are currently as follows: 5k run, vacation w/you + the boys (sometime even if it's not Disney) and go skydiving/parasailing.  Muhaha.

I love you.  I love you.  I love you. 
Olivia

*This is the first letter I wrote Joel.  I will be writing everyday and sharing very infrequently.  These letters are for us, our marriage... and some, I'm sure, will not be appropriate for the world to see, but occasionally I will open a window for a small glimpse.  

Why share at all?  Sometimes sharing how you love someone, enables someone else to do the same... 
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